Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
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The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.