ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
You Might Also Like
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.