1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
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Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
#Caturday
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
😂😂😂
Noah was an idiot.