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Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
satan: not today, microsoft teams
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
i really liked this one
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
Well, this is awkward
The little toadstool has spoken.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?