Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
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If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
Bike for sale
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.