No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
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Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page