*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
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ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
#MeanwhileInCanada