“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
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Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*