Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
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Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
Saw online –
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.