Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
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Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!