It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
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GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.