3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
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Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”