There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
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Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
who did the taste test?
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.