[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
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H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
those birds must be on payroll
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
Guilty! 🤪
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family