Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
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I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.