That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
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I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve