t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
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4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
What even happened today?
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.