I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
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*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?