When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
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I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.