WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
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*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
🤣🤣💀
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.