(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
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Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
My brain is a bad influence on me
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
6: you鈥檒l always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you鈥檒l always be my baby!
6: what if you鈥檙e dead
me: wtf
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 馃グ
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: 岽搬祪岬愥祼鈦贬禇
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestl茅.
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
They didn鈥檛 ghost you. Their spouse found out.
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT