[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
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*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.