“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
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I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
🤣
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Weighing up my bread heating options
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.