When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
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[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”