ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
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dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken