[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
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Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
🍞🦆
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle