Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
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We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?