We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
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A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.