My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
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Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
i baked you a cake
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.