dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
You Might Also Like
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed