it must be school picture day
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“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
Phonetics
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.