[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
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If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
can’t talk my ride’s here
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.