I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
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Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
We cut our bangs at dawn.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome