Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
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I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.