this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
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What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
Room with a view.
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
This did not end as expected.
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats