The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
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Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.