No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
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am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
Stop being racist to kettles.
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am