Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
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My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
My biological clock is wheezing.
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
I think about this a lot
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?