Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
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DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
the world’s most popular steaming services
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
My teenage children choosing violence
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
What in the hipster hell is going on here
I cannot stop laughing at this
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me