I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
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It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
Omg 🤣
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined