While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
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Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?