ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
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I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
Sometimes? I’m slipping
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font