Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
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I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.