40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
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my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns