Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
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Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
WHY?!
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”