If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
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Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”