The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
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every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.