Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
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My Sentiments Exactly
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
Some of y’all tomorrow …
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
so this horse walks into a bar