Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
You Might Also Like
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
Never forget.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
the world’s most popular steaming services
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
I love the National Park Service.
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.