Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
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I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
My what?
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho